Surviving Single Parenthood

My kids are all grown now, 30, 28, and 22 year olds.  I’m very proud that they are all finding success and love in their life, pursuing their careers and their dreams, and no one went to jail or had issues with addiction.  I consider myself lucky.

I was a single mom for 12 years and those were really hard years.  When I say Surviving Single Parenthood, it’s not only the survival of the parent but also the survival of the child.  Unfortunately, the statistics out there don’t favor a lot of success on either end.

According to Census.gov in 2016, a majority of children still lived with two parents in the household (69%) with the next largest segment living with a single mom at 23%.  This number more than tripled from 1960 when that percentage was 8%.

Children of single parent households frequently grow up with a disadvantage of not having the same financial means of children from two parent households.  They are also more likely to experience poverty, lower high school graduation rates, and higher levels of unemployment than their two parent peers.

I have no idea how we survived each other looking back.  It was just so damn hard.  But I’m so thankful that we did.  I love them so much.

I think what made all the difference was my perseverance around getting an education.  I went to school for a year to become a Licensed Vocational Nurse. After working for a while in that role, I went to school to get my Bachelor’s degree in nursing.  I had help with Pell grants, student loans, WIC, food stamps, and the occasional and rare child support check.  But even with all of those resources, it was hard.  Many times, I dug change out of the couch, or found a dollar bill in a jacket, hawked some item just so I could pay a bill or buy bread and peanut butter.  I worked while I went to school for my bachelor’s degree and I would cart my kids around in our mini-van while I made home health visits before and after school.  I would leave the kids in the van with the windows open to color, play games, argue, or whatever.  I just didn’t have any other choice.

One semester, I didn’t get my student loan in time and there was no way I was going to be able to make the rent for the next two months.  I broke down and called my mom and said to her that I needed to send my two children to her (my youngest wasn’t born yet).  I told her that was my only choice as I would have to go stay in a dorm, couch surf, or live in a dumpster to finish that semester.  It wouldn’t be forever just to finish the semester.

My mom wanted me to move back to Texas at that time but that would’ve meant me giving up school and taking a chance of losing many of my credits.  I just couldn’t bear to do that.  I had worked so hard already to get there.  I didn’t want to be without my kids for two months either but I felt it was a sacrifice I would have to make to get through.

But I want you to hear what I was willing to do.  I was willing to live in the alley with my children at my mom’s house until I could finish that semester.  I really think this is the reason that we survived….I had a pathological determination to finish what I had started.

My mom was able to reach out to my dad (they were divorced) and convince him to assist her in helping me out with $500.  That’s all I needed to make it to the next semester and my next student loan disbursement.  I’m eternally grateful to my parents for that bail out.  I would’ve done whatever it had taken to get through that semester though.

As a result, I finished college 2 years later and became a registered nurse.  I was the first person in my family on both sides to obtain a college degree.

That education changed my life, improved my trajectory, and enabled me and my children to overcome the many obstacles and downsides of being raised in a single parent household because I was also raised in a single parent home.  It was still hard raising those kids.  Later I remarried, had my last child and several years later found myself alone again but with three.  If I hadn’t finished that degree, I’m not sure I would’ve survived that second go around at single parenthood.

Never underestimate the power of tenacity.  You know the great Winston Churchill once said, “when you’re going through hell, just keep going” and “never, ever, ever give up.”  He was a smart man.